Ah, the many ways that siblings express their love for each other. It's all for your growth, they tell you, as they hold you down and brutally tickle you. As they dig their claws into the backs of your hands, giving you what they term "lifelong marks" (which last approximately ten minutes, requiring rigorous re-application). As they pull the Think Fast move on you, then give you Two For Flinching.
And that's just when you grow up with three sisters. I still shudder at the See Food? move my Eldest Sis used to whip out. Baby food was what she called it.
Of course, I also had close male friends who introduced me to the joys of the Dead Arm, Dog Pile and Wet Willy. Thanks for that, Mark and Chris.
These, of course, are examples of Bro-Jitsu: The Martial Art of Sibling Smackdown, ably and hilariously detailed by Daniel H. Wilson, who's made a living turning serious topics into laugh riots. Of course, this isn't exactly a serious topic; it's more of a trip down memory lane, to the wonderful memories of sibling manipulation/humiliation/(and any other iliation you can think of).
No, this isn't a how-to manual; it's a nostalgia piece, reminding us of what we endured and perpetrated as kids. Particularly funny to me were the tactics for succeeding at sibling irritation while also avoiding detection by Parental Referees, and even better, getting the victim into trouble for something you actually started. Awesome.
As both an older and a younger sibling, I got to make liberal use of both the Offensive and Defensive moves, meaning I got to be annoying to the older sisters and a tormentor to the younger. It was the perfect storm of Bro-Jitsu. Well, no, I really needed a brother. Thankfully, I had six college roommates to take me the rest of the way to being the Bro-Master I am today. I endured quite a few Nipple Cripples during my training, though we used a more alliterative term for it in my day.
My own son, The Pancake Eater, is nine years old and an only child, and I'm concerned that there are key skills he's missing out on. As such, I do my part to toughen him up for the inevitable harsh realities of life outside my home. On of the main tools I use is a game we call Whup. I'm sure you have another name for it, but since my boy named it, it's called Whup. (Remind me to tell you about the time he related to me how his Lego Luke Skywalker minifig was going to "whup" the weapon another minifig was brandishing. The weapon? An axe. Yep, he gave him an Axe-whuppin'. I guess I pretty much gave the story away, didn't I? Sorry, off-topic.)
Anyway, back to Whup. We take the cushions off the couch and exchange blows until I'm exhausted. Rarely does the Boy suffer from Whup Fatigue. But I hit him hard with those pillows, knowing that his future college roommate won't go easy on him. My favorite move is the Ethan Sandwich, in which I lure him onto one of the largest cushions, then crash down on him with the other and do my best Body Press on him. And then I tickle him. His only defense at that point is the Ear-Shattering Scream. And boy does he have that move down.
I'm hoping his swim team buddies are introducing him to some of the Pool moves outlined in Bro-Jitsu, because we're paying good money for swim team.
You can probably tell that this book had the intended effect on me. I strolled down memory lane and remembered my best and worst moves, and also learned about a few moves I never knew. And did I mention my sides got to hurting now and then?
I will point out one thing, though. It's "Death Blossom," not "Starburst." I'd have to hand in my membership card to the Geeky Child of the 80's Club if I didn't raise this. Note to publicists/editors/publishers: If you have a manuscript that references The Last Starfighter, The Empire Strikes Back, Short Circuit, or Back to the Future, feel free to contact me for a look-see. I have this knowledge, and it's such a shame to waste it. Probably not much more of a shame than actually having it, but that's neither here nor there. I'm happy to help.
That being said, I can wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone who ever gave or received a Wedgie from one of their parents' other beloved offspring. The book is just plain awesome.
Proving that there is indeed no charge for awesomeness, Mr. Wilson was kind enough to answer a few email questions about the book and about his other work:
Seth (SH): Is there a message to Bro-Jitsu about how we raise kids today versus how we were raised back in the day? For instance, what need is there for "Car-ate" when every kid has his/her own DVD player/Video Game system along for the ride?
Daniel H. Wilson (DW): One message of Bro-Jitsu is that while parents' methods for raising children may change, kids never do. No matter how advanced the technology is that we ply our children with to make them behave, they will still use it to hit each other over the head.
SH: In the book, you warn about the dangers involved in trying Bro-Jitsu moves on Only Children. What advice can you give the father who wants to train his Only Child in the ways of Bro-Jitsu?
DW: Sadly, the sacred bond of brother or sisterhood cannot be replicated in an only child. But there is an easy and fun solution: Make another baby immediately. (Agreed.)
SH: Did you consider adding a section on the Bro-Jitsu moves specific to college kids? Or is it just more of the same but louder?
DW: Bro-Jitsu moves such as "Dog Poop on a Stick" or "Roll Your Hair Up In the Car Window While You're Asleep" may be discovered in youth, but they will only be perfected in adulthood.
SH: You've got three forthcoming fiction titles: Robopocalypse, A Boy and His Bot, and AMP. How about a quick teaser for each?
DW: Robopocalypse: Robots kill everybody, some survive. A Boy and His Bot: Kid goes on journey with friendly slaughterbot to save two worlds. AMP: A new human rights movement is sparked by advanced implantable technology.
SH: Are you headed toward a fiction-only existence, or can we look for more extremely serious nonfiction from you?
DW: After plumbing the depths of serious non-fiction with How to Survive a Robot Uprising, scouring the libraries of the world researching Bro-Jitsu, and risking my life testing new technology for Where's My Jetpack? -- I have decided to devote my time to fiction. It's just safer for everyone involved.
Thanks!
- DanielSH: Thank you, Daniel!!!
Daniel H. Wilson is a roboticist, author, and contributing editor to Popular Mechanics magazine. He lives in Portland, Oregon. Find him online at www.danielhwilson.com.
Book details: Bro-Jitsu: The Martial Art of Sibling Smackdown by Daniel H. Wilson, Ph.d, New York, NY: Bloomsbury, 2010. 152 pages with illustrations. Paperback. ISBN: 978-1-59990-279-1. (US$12.99)